Calm down there Panicky Pamela

...Sorry, I always make up names for people. Usually it has nothing to do with their name at all. More so just the adjective I'm using to describe them. Guess that one would be applied to me today. I went through some major emotional battle earlier. Mad, sad, confused, and everything in between. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and shake myself. This isn't happening...is it? Why am I still trying to make sense of it?

You lose so much so quick you can't possibly process losing anymore. It hurts. I had the "Well I'm just gonna move, I'm just gonna get away from here leave everything behind" thought. Of course that'd be running from something thats not external. Wherever I go, it follows.

I watched a lot of youtube videos of fellow lyme patients. It broke my heart, it shattered really. Some people have gone SO long without a diagnosis its become a way of life and now treating it has become as painful as the disease itself. I know when I herx, I freak out...and mine aren't anythingg compared to what these girls go through. It makes me speechless. It hurts my soul. Wish I could just be there at 3 in the morning when they can't sleep and go through it with them. Its mind blowing to think...theres at least 200,000 new people a year...feeling EXACTLY what I do every night, sleepless. You begin to not feel so alone when you think of the numbers but you still wish someone like that was right next to you. I so wish I had someone to relate too.

Theres a girl on youtube named Alisa--probably around my age. Her videos are so inspirational. This girl has literally been to hell and back on her treatment and had lyme since the 4th grade. She's a warrior. God give me the strength she has. I so need it.

I feel so needy right now, but I never wanna say it. I don't wanna let people know I'm feeling vulnerable. I know they see it when my eyes start getting watery (outta no where usually) This bothers me, I've never been one to show my weakness. I don't cry. Now looking at ben and jerrys icecream could bring a tear to my eye at this point because I'm so sick of eating quinoa and plain organic chicken.

My brother has really stuck by me through this thing--all the way through it. People kept telling me to calm down. Don't exaggerate. Don't get worked up, stop being depressed. Go take some benadryl, sleep it off. Not him though. That's my dude right there, my rock. Coming over to watch movies with me, calling me when I'm balling my eyes out, talking about getting a 2nd job just to help me buy medication, going to doctors appointments with me, getting blood tests with me. We went to the book store today and looked at cookbooks for awhile. They didn't have anything for lyme disease but we  checked out cancer/fibromyalgia diets...which are semi similiar. It was pretty awesome to have someone take such an interest in trying to find food I can eat without rotating the SAMEE things day in and day out. I really am grateful, this dude goes to bat for me 110 percent. Anyone pushes me down he's always there to a) pick me up and b) kick them in the stomach.

On an even more positive note--I jogged 2 miles today straight!! I walked the first mile, so total 3 miles without killing myself I feel like I'm making improvement there. Was really surprised in myself. Its important to exercise and keep the limbs all loose and flexible. The left knee I've been getting shooting pains in was reallyy sore when I first started but about a mile into it I stopped feeling it and that made me happy. Def need to keep it up.

Still a little shakey about my LLMD appt on Tuesday--I have so many questions. And so many fears. Just wanna get on a stable treatment plan and knock this ish outtttttt.

Sleep, I miss you.

I read an article this morning from a naturopath/MD in Seattle he said "My HIV patients wanna live...it's my Lyme patients that wanna die"

I think people fail to realize lyme is a fully systematic disease effecting every organ, every inch, every being of your body. What you once knew is slowly diminishing. Some people like to joke about the brain fog moments, laughing is quite a good medicine. I guess I'm just not there yet. It scares me to not remember what I was doing in the shower (which leg I just shaved, did I just use shampoo or conditioner?) Not remembering words. Blanking out. Not taking anything in. Feeling like a stranger in your own body.

I went off abx for 3 days. First day I was like Hmm, this isn't so bad! I actually slept better. 2nd day--I couldn't even see the computer screen. I kept scratching my eyes, kept trying to adjust. Why can't the blur go away!?! I get mad. I leave, I look in the mirror. Ah, I see. The bloodshot glassy eyed look is back. Its been quite the fashion statement for me so far. Not sure if I look like I should be on intervention or celebrity rehab. My hair stays in a messy bun so far on the top of my head that I resemble an overgrown version of Pebbles from The Flinstones. My mom commonly asks "Aren't you gonna brush your hair?" I just kinda look down and shrug my shoulders. I know I look like a mess. I feel how I look. I don't think I could change that at the moment. I try once in awhile--as soon as I get home I just wanna scrub my makeup off, throw on huge pajama pants and an XL t shirt. Super cute right? A little distant from what I once knew...heels, jeans, tanning, hoop earrings, perfume. I miss that too.

I've lost 10 pounds since all this has happened, its in no way something I take pride in. I get the "oh my god don't lose anymore weight your skinny enough you have to eat!" Well yeah, I mean...I assumed I should eat. Eating's good right? I think we covered that in 1st grade, all the major food groups, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, yada yada. I love when people play captain obvious.  Oh you think I need protein? Really? I'll get right on that.

Or I tend to get coached alot on what I should eat and why. "but you neeed some sugar, you neeeeed some fat" You know what I need? I need a krispy creme donut and for you to stop talking. Please.

Sleep is hardly obtainable, reaching out is hard.

Sorry I'm getting off track, back to the being off abx. Its been a few, but last night everything was flaring up. I couldn't chew my food, open my mouth. Stabbing pains in my head. Twitching as I'm trying to sleep. I lay there praying to God "just keep me safe, just help me through this, just let me sleep" tossing and turning. Wide eyed staring into the dark. Jealous of Tila sleeping next to me. Times like these you just wish you had an insomniac best friend. After about an hour of feeling like I had 17 disorders at once I said  to heck with it. And took my Omnicef. (bad badd..) Its weird I'd rather screw up my digestive track then feel this. I had to go off because my stomach wasn't digesting food.

I sound like a 90 year old lady, oh my hip. My leg! My eyes! Shut ittt.

Missing the people I need the most right now. I wont reach out, if you don't need me. Maybe I don't need you either. Trying to stand tall alone.

Please God, turn me into a bird so that I can fly far far away from here. . .

You know that feeling you get when your about to leave home for awhile? You look around alot, you wanna make sure you don't forget anything. You check the shower a few times, check your closet, make sure all the lights are off. I keep doing that. I'm leaving for awhile, leaving here is hard. I love so much what I built, maybe its not much. But it was mine. The thought of throwing everything in boxes and taking steps backwards makes me cringe. I thrive on my independence, my ability to adapt, to be alone...and to be okay with it. You learn to love yourself, and depend on no one. 

With that being said sometimes you gotta bite the bullet, I find that term applies to everything in dealing with Chronic Lyme Disease. That scared little kid in me rises up every now and then "..but I don't wanna, do I have to?" The sole focus of my life at this point is to get better. To be well. To function. To adapt. To learn. To Rise.

So maybe I have to pack up all my clothes, put my material things in a storage unit till I can start this all over again. But you know what? I can do it. They say you never know victory until you've felt defeat. When I open that storage unit someday, it'll probably be one of the most significant moments in my life. It'll mean I'm okay to work,I can have my boston terrier back, I can have "Me" back. It means I survived. I sure am gonna miss the hell outta Tila though...

Its hard to come to terms with the people you thought would be fighting next to you, are slipping. And slipping fast. I guess I could slip too. I could break under the pressure. It's hard to stand alone in something so scary. Its hard to know everyone around you is moving on with their life without you. Their progressing, advancing, getting married, having kids. I wish I could say I had that, or I'll have that someday. All I can do is hope.  

Love is unconditional, it walks in when the whole world walks out.But life goes on. With or without your heart.

At the slightest inclination of a taste of negativity, a stressor, a lie, a back stab...I'm very quick to push it away and keep moving. In this time I choose not to be surrounded by anything that's going to hinder my well being. If you don't wanna deal with me, chances are--I felt it. And I X'd myself outta that real quick. Not because it didn't hurt like hell because in the deepest part of my heart I don't understand it. But because the sadness is too much. 

I'll forever remember the select few people that have been holding my hand through this rollercoaster in its entirety. Not anyone who doubted me. Not anyone who left me. Not anyone who lied to me. Not anyone who looked past me. The encouragement, the support, the positivity. The strength these people have given me to keep moving. Its such a blessing. Every day I'm blessed. 

Grandma, good lookin' out up there.