You know that feeling you get when your about to leave home for awhile? You look around alot, you wanna make sure you don't forget anything. You check the shower a few times, check your closet, make sure all the lights are off. I keep doing that. I'm leaving for awhile, leaving here is hard. I love so much what I built, maybe its not much. But it was mine. The thought of throwing everything in boxes and taking steps backwards makes me cringe. I thrive on my independence, my ability to adapt, to be alone...and to be okay with it. You learn to love yourself, and depend on no one.
With that being said sometimes you gotta bite the bullet, I find that term applies to everything in dealing with Chronic Lyme Disease. That scared little kid in me rises up every now and then "..but I don't wanna, do I have to?" The sole focus of my life at this point is to get better. To be well. To function. To adapt. To learn. To Rise.
So maybe I have to pack up all my clothes, put my material things in a storage unit till I can start this all over again. But you know what? I can do it. They say you never know victory until you've felt defeat. When I open that storage unit someday, it'll probably be one of the most significant moments in my life. It'll mean I'm okay to work,I can have my boston terrier back, I can have "Me" back. It means I survived. I sure am gonna miss the hell outta Tila though...
Its hard to come to terms with the people you thought would be fighting next to you, are slipping. And slipping fast. I guess I could slip too. I could break under the pressure. It's hard to stand alone in something so scary. Its hard to know everyone around you is moving on with their life without you. Their progressing, advancing, getting married, having kids. I wish I could say I had that, or I'll have that someday. All I can do is hope.
Love is unconditional, it walks in when the whole world walks out.But life goes on. With or without your heart.
At the slightest inclination of a taste of negativity, a stressor, a lie, a back stab...I'm very quick to push it away and keep moving. In this time I choose not to be surrounded by anything that's going to hinder my well being. If you don't wanna deal with me, chances are--I felt it. And I X'd myself outta that real quick. Not because it didn't hurt like hell because in the deepest part of my heart I don't understand it. But because the sadness is too much.
I'll forever remember the select few people that have been holding my hand through this rollercoaster in its entirety. Not anyone who doubted me. Not anyone who left me. Not anyone who lied to me. Not anyone who looked past me. The encouragement, the support, the positivity. The strength these people have given me to keep moving. Its such a blessing. Every day I'm blessed.
Grandma, good lookin' out up there.
No comments:
Post a Comment