I think people fail to realize lyme is a fully systematic disease effecting every organ, every inch, every being of your body. What you once knew is slowly diminishing. Some people like to joke about the brain fog moments, laughing is quite a good medicine. I guess I'm just not there yet. It scares me to not remember what I was doing in the shower (which leg I just shaved, did I just use shampoo or conditioner?) Not remembering words. Blanking out. Not taking anything in. Feeling like a stranger in your own body.
I went off abx for 3 days. First day I was like Hmm, this isn't so bad! I actually slept better. 2nd day--I couldn't even see the computer screen. I kept scratching my eyes, kept trying to adjust. Why can't the blur go away!?! I get mad. I leave, I look in the mirror. Ah, I see. The bloodshot glassy eyed look is back. Its been quite the fashion statement for me so far. Not sure if I look like I should be on intervention or celebrity rehab. My hair stays in a messy bun so far on the top of my head that I resemble an overgrown version of Pebbles from The Flinstones. My mom commonly asks "Aren't you gonna brush your hair?" I just kinda look down and shrug my shoulders. I know I look like a mess. I feel how I look. I don't think I could change that at the moment. I try once in awhile--as soon as I get home I just wanna scrub my makeup off, throw on huge pajama pants and an XL t shirt. Super cute right? A little distant from what I once knew...heels, jeans, tanning, hoop earrings, perfume. I miss that too.
I've lost 10 pounds since all this has happened, its in no way something I take pride in. I get the "oh my god don't lose anymore weight your skinny enough you have to eat!" Well yeah, I mean...I assumed I should eat. Eating's good right? I think we covered that in 1st grade, all the major food groups, an apple a day keeps the doctor away, yada yada. I love when people play captain obvious. Oh you think I need protein? Really? I'll get right on that.
Or I tend to get coached alot on what I should eat and why. "but you neeed some sugar, you neeeeed some fat" You know what I need? I need a krispy creme donut and for you to stop talking. Please.
Sleep is hardly obtainable, reaching out is hard.
Sorry I'm getting off track, back to the being off abx. Its been a few, but last night everything was flaring up. I couldn't chew my food, open my mouth. Stabbing pains in my head. Twitching as I'm trying to sleep. I lay there praying to God "just keep me safe, just help me through this, just let me sleep" tossing and turning. Wide eyed staring into the dark. Jealous of Tila sleeping next to me. Times like these you just wish you had an insomniac best friend. After about an hour of feeling like I had 17 disorders at once I said to heck with it. And took my Omnicef. (bad badd..) Its weird I'd rather screw up my digestive track then feel this. I had to go off because my stomach wasn't digesting food.
I sound like a 90 year old lady, oh my hip. My leg! My eyes! Shut ittt.
Missing the people I need the most right now. I wont reach out, if you don't need me. Maybe I don't need you either. Trying to stand tall alone.
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