Ah life.

So, hm. Positive. Lets tryyy to be positive.

Okay. My stomachs handling the abx much better? Thats...cool. I guess.
I've been sleeping alright.


Well I think that about sums up the positive notes list. Lets get to the real stuff.

Packed up my entire apt into a 10x10 storage unit.
Gave up my 2 year old boston terrier (love of my life) to some family in Daytona...My mom doesn't want to keep her and since I'm moving back home I guess I don't really have an option. And the person I thought would take her hasn't really been there for me so I didn't even wanna bother to be honest.

Oh, moving back home (fun)
My eyes look like hell...having a severe identity crisis
I feel alone, now more then ever. Its scary when you need people the most their no where to be found.

The only people I have TRULY are my mom and brother. And I'm so extremely blessed for that but they have their own lives and can't really just entertain me all the time. (totally understandable)

I'm not all that fun to be around anyway.

Lost a significant portion of my life. Pretty quickly. I want so badly to go back to work and get my independence back and forget this ever happened..sometimes I think I could real easily if my eyes would just adjust and be okay. I can fight through all the other pain. I kinda need to be able to see...

Its weird when I have friends texting me or calling me about their problems. So stressed out, so pissed off over things like their boyfriends, or maybe they locked their keys in their car. Something like that. & I remember times when I would flip out about that shit too. It would consume me. But now when they talk about it and I'm trying to be sympathetic and pat them on the back...and let them know it'll be okay and its gonna get better, sorry your having a bad day. I'm like thinking...I WISH that was my biggest concern in life right now. In the grand scheme of things...that stuff doesn't phase me anymore. It is what it is.

I just wanna be like what makes your life so hard? Why are you so upset? Did you forget what I'm going through? Do you even bother asking...how I'm feeling? Or whats going on with me? I think I'm at a point now where I don't even wanna discuss it anymore. How are youuu. I'm good. Thats it. I just think people forget what I'm dealing with, their so consumed with their own problems why add mine into the mix you know? Maybe if I say I'm okay long enough I'll trick myself into thinking so. Probably not though.

Funny I met a guy my age in the IV room at my doctors office. His mom has lyme, he thinks he has lyme. Dropped 50 pounds in one month...he was smaller then I am. But our conversation consisted of so what do you do? Oh well I used to do this this and that...but now I just mostly sleep and try not to die. And I was just laughing and cracking jokes about things like that the whole time. It was kinda cool to find some humor in this mess. Its good to keep your humor, I'm glad mine's still alive and kicking. I was really impressed with the leather recliners in my IV room at the doctors, not so much with the sounds of nature they had goin on in the background. Birds, and flutes. I really wanted to be jammin out to some kid cudi, or wiz. But I guess thats only suitable for me and not the 90 year old lady next to me. Gotta respect your elders.

I have my 3rd IV treatment on Monday. Can't believe this is what my life consists of. I can't wait to be able to work again. Did I say that already?

There are defining moments in your life...and sometimes I wonder why the hell am I going through this? What did I do that was so wrong? But you can't really ask questions like that. Because nobody does anything to deserve this. Not even someone who may have done "bad things" all their life. I just keep telling myself God put me on this path just because I'm one of the few who are strong enough to walk through it. I've always had an undying motivation to prove people wrong. Or do something people think I can't do. Or to be a perfectionist. Well I'll get through it. I'm just not sure when. And that scares me...but then again, once you've hit bottom the only thing to fear is fear itself. And I won't remain scared.

Panic mode comes and goes, but now it mostly goes. I think I am mourning still over what my life was, and what its become. But its been a hard transition.

90 percent of the people in the world couldn't endure this.