...Sorry, I always make up names for people. Usually it has nothing to do with their name at all. More so just the adjective I'm using to describe them. Guess that one would be applied to me today. I went through some major emotional battle earlier. Mad, sad, confused, and everything in between. Sometimes I wish I could wake up and shake myself. This isn't happening...is it? Why am I still trying to make sense of it?
You lose so much so quick you can't possibly process losing anymore. It hurts. I had the "Well I'm just gonna move, I'm just gonna get away from here leave everything behind" thought. Of course that'd be running from something thats not external. Wherever I go, it follows.
I watched a lot of youtube videos of fellow lyme patients. It broke my heart, it shattered really. Some people have gone SO long without a diagnosis its become a way of life and now treating it has become as painful as the disease itself. I know when I herx, I freak out...and mine aren't anythingg compared to what these girls go through. It makes me speechless. It hurts my soul. Wish I could just be there at 3 in the morning when they can't sleep and go through it with them. Its mind blowing to think...theres at least 200,000 new people a year...feeling EXACTLY what I do every night, sleepless. You begin to not feel so alone when you think of the numbers but you still wish someone like that was right next to you. I so wish I had someone to relate too.
Theres a girl on youtube named Alisa--probably around my age. Her videos are so inspirational. This girl has literally been to hell and back on her treatment and had lyme since the 4th grade. She's a warrior. God give me the strength she has. I so need it.
I feel so needy right now, but I never wanna say it. I don't wanna let people know I'm feeling vulnerable. I know they see it when my eyes start getting watery (outta no where usually) This bothers me, I've never been one to show my weakness. I don't cry. Now looking at ben and jerrys icecream could bring a tear to my eye at this point because I'm so sick of eating quinoa and plain organic chicken.
My brother has really stuck by me through this thing--all the way through it. People kept telling me to calm down. Don't exaggerate. Don't get worked up, stop being depressed. Go take some benadryl, sleep it off. Not him though. That's my dude right there, my rock. Coming over to watch movies with me, calling me when I'm balling my eyes out, talking about getting a 2nd job just to help me buy medication, going to doctors appointments with me, getting blood tests with me. We went to the book store today and looked at cookbooks for awhile. They didn't have anything for lyme disease but we checked out cancer/fibromyalgia diets...which are semi similiar. It was pretty awesome to have someone take such an interest in trying to find food I can eat without rotating the SAMEE things day in and day out. I really am grateful, this dude goes to bat for me 110 percent. Anyone pushes me down he's always there to a) pick me up and b) kick them in the stomach.
On an even more positive note--I jogged 2 miles today straight!! I walked the first mile, so total 3 miles without killing myself I feel like I'm making improvement there. Was really surprised in myself. Its important to exercise and keep the limbs all loose and flexible. The left knee I've been getting shooting pains in was reallyy sore when I first started but about a mile into it I stopped feeling it and that made me happy. Def need to keep it up.
Still a little shakey about my LLMD appt on Tuesday--I have so many questions. And so many fears. Just wanna get on a stable treatment plan and knock this ish outtttttt.
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