You know they say in the most difficult times of your life you begin to understand what you've been taking for granted all along. Laying in bed, still. Painless. Hearing nothing, complete silence...maybe just the silent hum of your fan and your boston terrier taking in little breaths napping beside you (I wish I knew what silence was again), looking in the mirror without a blur in your vision, being able to open your mouth wide enough to chew. Between checking my eyes in the mirror 30 times a day, and trying not to open my mouth too far to avoid the feeling of breaking it. It all gets exhausting. The pain runs together. The symptoms jumble. Not even sitting still offers relief. Its when I'm still that I feel the most. Exhausted but constantly moving. A quality of life I never once thought I'd endure. But God...I gotta admit, you know what your doing up there. So if this is a shove in the right direction. Well, I sure did get the hint. Game over. Re start.
They...(whoever they are ) also say you tend to find out who really sticks by you, who never has, and who always will. Granted its hard to figure out why tragedy has to occur to really make sense of these realizations but hey maybe people don't respond well to the unknown.
I thought for a long time this would be temporary. Kept telling myself "oh I'll be fine in a few months.." Then there was the 2 failed attempts to go back to work after a medical resignation. The piling of medical bills, rent, gas, car insurance etc. I feel like a failure at times, I tried so hard to stick it out. I tried so hard to trick myself and keep saying it'll be fine. Just keep going. Just go alittle more. Don't give up now, Don't give in. The pain was too much, the tears too much, how can one focus at work when their whole body is reacting in ways they've never felt? How can I take in anything when my brains vibrating? My face is going numb? My foot is tapping constantly? Twitching? Oh, and there goes my vision...just keep blinking..maybe it'll correct itself? Run to the bathroom--pat water on your eyes. Yeah that's it...maybe their just dry?
I kept looking around, I kept trying to find a balance. Hey I can be normal, I can do this. But I'm not, I don't feel normal. I wondered as I looked at everyone if anyone else had something hidden under their sleeve they weren't sharing. If anyone else was panicking in their head? How can you feel so alone in a room full of people?
How does your life get flipped up, tossed around, and shaken SO hard in a matter of a few months. A life changing few months. You feel the room spinning, each spin your clutching the walls just to hold on to something...but nothings catching you from falling. Then your searching for someone in the room to tell you its gonna be okay, and with each spin those people just keep disappearing.
Like a long, slow...never ending nightmare.
Lyme disease has won the battle so far.
And I have my weak moments.
But I will win the war.
It's do or die
Fight or Flight
you ARE strong, You can get better, and you wont have to check your eyes anymore. i promise you if you can hang in there, you will have a better life, like when your in a nightmare and you realize that you have the power to turn it into and awesome adventure and you wake up having learned something...
ReplyDeletei didnt know i had this for 12 years, and had to think that i was creating this the whole time. what got me through was the hope that someone would someday know what i went through and realize how much it has mad me grow.
dont you already feel like an older person? in the decisions you make and the lifestyle you want now??
i do, and now i know the lyme cant control you completely . or my life and all i know is lyme. im not lyme
Your right, its a long battle. But in the long run the only choice you have in life is to just play the cards your dealt. I got dealt this pretty swiftly. But I'm still strong enough to fight.
ReplyDeleteAnd fight we will. I pray for everyone's pathway to healing and a speedy recovery